Post About the Post #3

You know you love Teen Mom.

Post About the Post #2

In which I write about Boardwalk Empire.

Did anybody watch it? Did anybody not love it? Is anyone going to actually read my review? It's good...I promise?

History of Gays in the U.S Military

1776 - 1993 - There is not a single homosexual in the United States military. Not one. Not even Ulysses S. Grant's beard.

1994 - "Don't ask, don't tell" is passed into law and there are now homosexuals being killed for their country...they just can't tell you that they kiss boys.

September 21, 2010 - The United States Senate decides that they still don't want to ask and they don't want to be told.

December 11, 2014 - Congress passes a bill into law that it's okay to have at least one of but not limited to the following George Michael albums in army barracks: Faith, Listen Without Prejudice Volume 1, Songs from the Last Century, Twenty Five.

February 4, 2015 - Congress declares that if two female soldiers kiss then it is okay to both ask and tell.

April 19, 2018 - The army updates its policy that two consenting soldiers can engage in homosexual acts, as long as a commanding officer witnesses the event and all three sign a waiver afterwords that what occurred was "totally not gay."

October 1, 2018 - Don't Ask, Don't Tell is repealed - effective for the Navy only.

August 31, 2096 - Don't Ask, Don't Tell is repealed - effective for all other branches.

November 6, 2096 - Republicans take back office. Don't Ask, Don't Tell is put back into effect.

March 29, 3019 - The United States of America is wiped out by Mongolians....as expected.

Look Alive, Sunshine

Oh heavens...

I know I am prone to hyperbole but I am more excited about this than I have ever been about anything ever.

One of the internet's worst kept secrets is that I am a huuuuuuuuuuge My Chemical Romance fan. I really couldn't tell you why other than the fact that I once bought a burned copy of Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge from a friend for $1 on a whim (along with The Used's In Love and Death and NOFX's War on Errorism) and was in love from the opening notes of "Helena."Since that fateful day I've been crawling the Earth like a coke-fiend in search of the next MCR-related fix. They dutifully responded with 2006's (awesome) The Black Parade. After, however, it's been largely quiet on the MCR front. "Desolation Row" on the Watchmen soundtrack satiated me for a bit but it wasn't enough to serve my overly theatrical needs.

Rumblings started coming from MCR-land (you can find MCR-land at the corner of Awesome Town and Free-Ice-Cream Way) that the next album would be far more stripped down and punk rock than the grandiose Black Parade. I was more than okay with this, matching marching band outfits and pyrotechnics are fun every now and then but I would like to see MCR in the punk-phase that most rock bands inevitably go through. Of course, MCR would then kick their drummer out for unspecified reasons and start from scratch on a new album. I could deal with that, after all what is more punk-rock than starting from scratch on a new album.

Then music retailer HMV "leaked" that the next album would be called Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys. I was not a fan. And I immediately went into denial.

I've found that since LeBitch's betrayal, putting myself into a state of denial has become rather easy. Here are some examples:

ESPN's Stephen A. Smith reports that a source who has never lied to him told him that LeBron James will sign with the Miami Heat.

Stephen A. has always had it out for the Cavaliers. This is just a vicious rumor.

LeBron James has reserved spaces at several Miami hotels to celebrate his eventual signing.

Miami is a nice place. Why wouldn't he want to celebrate re-signing in Cleveland there?

"This season, I'll be taking my talents to South Beach."

Well, Cleveland is South of Canada....and Lake Erie has a beach, right?

Of course, I was able to justify my denial similarly with the Danger Days title.

Lead singer/Comic Book Genius Gerard Way announces that he is working on a comic book about young men in a band on a road trip trying to get their Ramones' records back.

Sounds awesome! I hope it doesn't interfere with the production on the new record.

Guitarist Frank Iero posts a picture on their web site which includes the proposed "Killjoys" logo.

That's nice of Frank to post a logo from Gerard's comic. They really seem to support each other.

HMV lists Danger Days: True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys as the next My Chemical Romance album.

Well clearly they're confused. That's Gerard's new comic, not the ALBUM! Silly, HMV. I don't know where they got "Danger Days" from though...

Of course Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys did end up being the final name of the album. I read MTV confirm it and felt a slight twinge of disappointment. That didn't last long, however, as mychemicalromance.com had a 2 minute trailer for me to watch.

In the span of two minutes, I went from disappointed to nearly comatose with excitement. Well what happened?

I'll tell you what happened...

• A tranny on rollerblades
• A Nam veteran DJ named "Dr. Death Defying."
• Lines like "anti-matter for the master plan," and "this one's for all you crash-queens and motor-babies."
• About a minute of the song "Na Na Na" which already sounds like the catchiest My Chemical Romance song of all time.
• Rayguns...lots of rayguns.
• Grant Morrison as a creepy bald guy.
• The most adorable little girl of all time carrying a boombox.
• A Trans Am
• This shirt.

Now all that stands between me and nirvana is 62 days. I think I'm going to go watch that trailer 97 more times.

Until then: Killjoys....MAKE SOME NOISE!

What Bryan Cranston Should Have Said

I actually really liked the Emmys this year. Aside from their stubborn refusal to acknowledge the existence of Lost, I think the Academy made some atypically intelligent choices. Having said that, I do have one additional comment. The category for Best Actor in a Drama Series was one of the strongest categories I have ever seen in any award show. It was so strong in act that I feel like someone on stage should have acknowledged it. Who better than the eventual (and entirely deserving) winner, Bryan Cranston, to call attention to every nominee. The following is what Bryan Cranston should have said in lieu of a speech.

Wow, what a wild ride! I am eternally grateful to the Academy for making this one of the best times in my life. Breaking Bad has been nothing but a gift to me and I view this award as acknowledgement from the Academy that I am involved in something very special. What may be an even greater honor, however, is the quality of men that I found myself associated with tonight.

The Best Actor in a Drama Series category this year represents what I truly believe to be some of the most talented people on television. What I'd like to do now is just take a moment to give these amazing actors their due.

Kyle Chandler, I admire the things that you can do. In my experience, High School football coaches aren't the most charismatic or even decent individuals. But you've created a character that is essentially Ghandi in an East Dillon pullover. Friday Night Lights is a show that likes to tear down everything in its characters lives from the institutions they trust, to the dreams they've fostered. And then it counts on you to be the rock in the middle. You've been all of that and more and you deserve this award.

Matthew Fox, it has been truly amazing to watch your maturation as an actor and as a human being over the past six seasons of Lost. You weren't afraid to portray a character that was weak and afraid of his own failings. You weren't afraid to lay all of the sins and shortcomings of your character bare and make them apparent to everyone but himself. And finally you weren't afraid to redeem that character in he very last moments of his arc... even if it meant doing something as innocuous as simply turning a light back on. You served as a consistent and realistic avatar for all of us in a show that required so much patience and attention. I cried when you closed that eye one last time and you deserve this award.

Michael C. Hall, it is an impressive feat for any actor to make a murderer likable. But what you've been able to do with the character of Dexter Morgan is much more impressive. You haven't just made a murderer likable but you've made someone who has attested to be inhuman and lifeless likable. Dexter Morgan crackles off the screen with your own wit and intensity. You've single-handedly legitimized the oft-maligned practice of voiceover with your steady and unpretentious delivery. You made my adrenaline pump harder than almost any television show ever has this year and you deserve this award.

Jon Hamm, you have taken one of the hardest tasks in television acting this decade and flourished under it. I can't imagine the pressure and difficulties associated with playing such a larger than life character on one of the most acclaimed and important shows of our time. But you somehow make it look easy. It will never cease to amaze me how you continue to inhabit the body of Don Draper, someone you couldn't be more different from, so flawlessly. It must be so tempting to overplay such a gaudy, sexy character but you never do. You act as Don Draper from the inside out and the show is all the better for it. One day they'll be teaching your Don Draper acting techniques in Acting 101 and you deserve this award.

Hugh Laurie, you are Gregory House. I can barely accept that you ever even existed before Dr. House first limped across my TV screen. You inhabit every aspect of your character from the smallest quirk to the grandest blow-up. You've always been impressive but this season represents what is undoubtedly your best work. You spent countless seasons building up an absolutely invulnerable persona before finally having to concede that your character was, indeed, fallible and capable of being hurt. The emotional vulnerabilities that you displayed while never quite letting go of your armor were paradoxically brilliant. If for nothing else other than your flawless American accent you deserve this award.

Thanks to all of you again, and I can't wait to cheer one of you on next year when you win this award.

Post About the Post

I've found yet another way to be a TV whore.

Mmm Smells Like Bailout

I drive a 2002 bright red Jeep Liberty named Bessie Lou.

I did my driver's test in Bessie Lou. The first time, Bessie and I got a little excited and ran a stop sign. The second time, we both kept our cool and passed with flying colors. Bessie Lou drove me my first day of junior year. Bessie Lou took me to my first girlfriend's house for my first date. Bessie Lou took me the 200 miles south to Athens, Ohio and served as the portal between my old home and my new home.

Now it looks like Bessie Lou may be dead.

And I'd like to tell you how she died.

Sometime in late-June, I was driving home from a Wal Mart grocery run. When I was about a block away from home I felt Bessie kick horribly and start to whine. Instinctively I pulled into the AAA franchise right near my house. AAA had been long closed but I needed a place to park and figure things out. I checked the engine but I had as much chance understanding the inner workings of a automobile's engine as Tiger Woods does monogamy. I decided to cut my losses and drive home anyway. Bessie Lou would start and she would drive but she wouldn't get out of first gear. A quick consulting of Google told me that this was more than likely an issue with the transmission and that it would be more than likely very, very expensive to fix.

But Bessie Lou was family and Bessie Lou deserved fixing. I consulted my benefactors (mom and dad) on the issue and they said they would front some money to fix Bessie since she was paid off anyway and 2,000 bucks here or there isn't a bad investment for a car.

With that in mind I did some research on where to take Bessie Lou. I stopped by a well-respected mechanic on Columbus Road. They told me that they could check it out themselves but if it WAS a transmission problem, they couldn't do anything about it anyway. They suggested I go down the road about a quarter-mile to Taylor Nissan, which doubles as a Chyrsley-Jeep dealership as well.

The people at Taylor Nissan told me that I had two options.

Option A) Buy a new transmission. $3,200

Option B) Buy a used transmission $1,800

I chose option B. They told me that they could not offer a warranty on a used transmission but promised that the company they receive transmissions from has never failed them. This put my mind at ease. I handed Taylor Nissan my keys, walked halfway home from Carpenter (a nice woman named Jane would pick me up and take me the rest of the way but that's a story for another time) and waited. And waited. And waited. And waited.

After roughly three weeks of waiting Taylor Nissan called me back. They told me that they had received my new (old) transmission. Problem was, the transmission wouldn't go into reverse gear.

Woops.

They told me that they had another transmission on order and wouldn't charge me for it. They would, however, be forced to charge me $600 for "man-hours." I have no idea what a "man-hour" is but it must be very different from one of my "hours" because my hours are much cheaper I assure you. Anyway, I told them $600 more dollars was a paltry sum to pay to get my sweet, sweet Bessie Lou back.

A week and a half later they called and told me Bessie Lou was ready. I had a friend drive to down to Columbus Road once more to retrieve my car. They told me that Bessie had one more issue. Her "transfer case" was broken. I would need to get that fixed eventually and it would cost around $700. I declined to get said transfer case fixed and asked if I could take my car anyway. They said it would be safe to drive for the time being. Good. I gave them credit card information to pay $2,400, they gave me my keys and I drove off.

The moment I drove off I knew something was wrong. Bessie Lou's engine was making noises as though she were being carried up a roller-coaster track. TIK-TIK-TIK-TIK-TIK-TIK-TIK-TIK.

I shrugged it off. The man told me that the transfer case would make some noise and I believed him. Granted, she had never made those noises before but maybe it was only a matter of time before she did anyway? Then I pulled into my driveway. Upon doing so my odometer, windshield wipers, headlights, volume control and power locks all died simultaneously.

Woops.

The next day I hauled Bessie Lou back over to Taylor Nissan. The mechanic there told me that they did not play around with the electrical cords at all during the transmission replacement and were at a loss for why this would happen. They said they would do a sort of car scan.

Scan away, I said.

So I waited in a hospital-like waiting room while mechanics ran more tests on my car. And much like waiting in a hospital-like waiting room it took forever and all the tests came back negative. Yes, Taylor Nissan had no more clue than I did while all of my electrical systems died at the same time. They did tell me that aside from the lack of an odometer and headlights that it should be okay to drive. If I wanted to get the other stuff fixed they could keep it overnight again but I was planning on heading home for the weekend and I couldn't afford up to a month without a car again.

Since Bessie Lou had no headlights, my girlfriend and I decided to head home to Twinsburg, Ohio immediately so that the sun wouldn't fall while we were driving. It seemed like a good idea in principle...until Bessie Lou died.

We had just gotten onto 7 North and were passing the restaurant/gas station "The Cool Spot" when Bessie Lou simply stopped. All the engine noises stopped, the RPM meter flew down to 0 and I felt the essence that was "Bessie Lou" simply vanish. I wheeled over the the side of the road before we could get smashed by oncoming traffic and gravely called AAA (see the story comes full circle).

A nice, if overly honest, tow trucker came to pick us up and take us back to Athens where Bessie Lou's corpse resides in the parking lot of Taylor Nissan.

This is part a story of a love-lost between a boy and his car and part a story of my run-in with the American auto-industry. The name on the building said "Taylor Nissan" but the company bears the symbol of Chrysler/Jeep as well. And at the end of the day, straight facts of it all boil down to this: I gave my car to a mechanic for more than a month and received it back in worse condition than I left it off with. When I tried to get those problems fixed, I was sent on my way yet again only for the car to die in 60 mph traffic.

I am assuming that for all intents and purposes the car is dead. I just want to know from you, the Internet, should I let her go peacefully or rage against the mechanics and company that in my mind, watched her die?