Teenagers are crazy.
They are crazy, and they are hormonal, and they are constantly on the prowl for the next high. I should know because I am one. Every night I watch my esteemed peers get dressed up (or dressed down in most men's cases), hit the town, partake in their favorite indulgence, then come home to the dorm to either a. puke on themselves, b. puke on their friends, c. puke on strangers, or d. puke on a various array of inanimate objects. It is quite an experience. Unfortunately, being the boring, abstinent scrooge that I am I do not get to join my fellow students in these time-honored traditions. But fear not for me: I am privy to certain information that my peers are not, and that information I intend to share now.
There is a drug, far more powerful than any barbiturate, hallucinogen or depressant that exists. It has existed far before alcohol, far before nicotine, far before marijuana. Your parents have used it, their grandparents have used it and the very first human beings to walk the Earth used it as well! It exists in abundance and is relatively cheap. Give up? This obscure drug I am referring to is: food.
Food is the most potent, exciting and intoxicating substance on the planet. It is also, until the governments of the Earth lose their minds, very, very legal. I have never heard of an experience involving food ever ending badly or being looked back on unfavorably (aside from maybe Violet Beauregarde in Willy Wonka's factory).
There are so many things that one does not have to worry about when it comes to food. No one has ever looked back at their High School or College experience and regret that they spent their days in a cheeseburger or burrito induced haze. No one has ever had to undergo an intervention to save them from their salted cashew addiction. No one has ever been busted by the cops in a back alley for pushing tuna-fish sandwiches. No one has over overdosed on pretzel sticks. And no one has ever posted embarrassing pictures on their Facebook under the influence of cucumber slices.
But, however dismissive I seem of my peer's lifestyles, I am not naive. I know that bingeing/smoking/sniffing/drinking/shooting/consuming is not just about the high, it is a social activity. I can only argue that if the social aspect is what is important, than why can't food simply be substituted for the substance in question.
In most cases the substance, itself, strives to taste like food anyway (and fails miserably). Upon a recent visit to a hookah bar, I perused the available flavors which included: strawberry, blueberry, banana and all types of different blends and combinations. If someone wanted the flavor of a strawberry in his or her mouth, why not just eat the strawberry? Why sit in a dimly lit room, all huddled around a massive device that looks like Dr. Seuss crafted it while on acid, suck on a tube (which is not cleaned when passed from mouth to mouth, by the way) to receive a collection of tobacco and smoke that tastes virtually nothing like the fruit it is supposed to taste like when you could just eat a strawberry.
I feel that I must be missing something. But still in my mind the equation still comes down to this simple list.
Things that food is:
Things that alcohol, hallucinogens, tobacco aren't:
And if you do a little further research (i.e.- live on a college campus) some more information becomes available.
Side effects of food:
1. Expanding waste-line
Side effects of alcohol, etc.:
1. Expanding waste-line
2. Disturbingly receding waste-line
3. Bad breath
4. Lots of vomit....lots of it.
5. Nights in jail
6. Nights in girlfriend's doghouse (much worse than 5)
7-2,085,234. Bad decisions
So now that I have unquestionably and effectively ridded the world of all illegal and/or harmful substances, it is time for me to take my leave.
There is a dime-bag of skittles with my name on it.