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Athens, Ohio, United States
"Art and love are the same thing. It's the process of seeing yourself in things that are not you."

Monday, October 13, 2008

Ask and You Shall Just Have to Ask Some More

There are those that feel strongly about everything. 

They take sides and argue for or against something until the bitter end. They see terms in black and white. They have their beliefs and identify themselves with their causes.

I am NOT one of these people. After a month's worth of blogging and coming up with fresh ideas that I want to offer my two cents on, I am realizing more and more how entirely impossible it is for me subjective about anything. I suppose I have chosen the right career path for objective minds but I imagine it must be fairly trying for my reader(s). As far as I can tell, this is the the typical post on "The Collective(ly) Unconscious":

Beginning: Ever notice how weird ABSTRACT TOPIC is?

Middle: Yeah, you know what? ABSTRACT TOPIC really IS weird!

Conclusion: Oh well, I don't think ABSTRACT TOPIC is of any consequence anyway.

Aside from being the most basic and unexciting Mad-Lib ever, it is a predictable way to write. But I can't help it! The only questions I like don't have answers. And as far as I am concerned those are the only questions worth asking. Most editorials I read are as boring as someone saying: "Yes, the sky is blue, the grass is green and puppies are great." And when someone tries to answer a question that is more abstract...I just don't buy it. That is when you read editorials that say: "Vote McCain, he is the better candidate." How do you know? Do you know both the candidates? Do you know how either will react to the issues and situations that arise? Nope. Then why bother? Americans of voting age have to decide things for themselves anyway.

So, I still prefer my non-committal ways. But for once, I have decided to not bury the lead under mountains of words. For the first and probably only time I am going to ask all the things I want to know. No prose. No analysis. No extraneous words. And most important of all: no answers. Like I've said before: the only things that are worth asking are the things that can't be answered.

If your loved one's sex suddenly changed, would you still be romantically attracted to them?

How will the 90s be remembered?

If all the states went to war, who would win?

Do all pets have Stockholm Syndrome?

What if those Bostonians never threw a Tea Party?

What would happen if you had four of your strongest friends hold your eyelids open as you sneezed?


If all American's spoke Mandarin or Afrikaans or any other foreign language instead of English would the United States of America developed any differently?

What would Brad and Jen's kids looked like?

What if Mark David Chapman had killed Paul McCartney instead of John Lennon?

Is it more tragic when someone who has experienced nothing but happiness dies or someone who has experienced nothing but pain dies?

How am I different if September 11th never happened?

What is the best way to prepare human meat to eat?

If Sudan was the most powerful country to ever exist and the United States were the poorest and torn apart by disease and genocide, would Sudan intervene or attempt to fix the United States in any way?

If William Shakespeare lived and wrote today would his works be as highly regarded?

If Stephen King wrote in 14th Century England, would he be considered the greatest writer to have ever lived?

What if there was a sixth sense?

Was this post a waste of time?

3 comments:

Mitchell Kinnen said...

Very entertaining. However, I might argue that your assesment of puppies is rather subjective...

Woozie said...

If all the states went to war, who would win?

California has the money to stay in the game forever, Texas has the balls to fight for years, but only New York (specifically New York City) combines the two attributes. I for one welcome our Jewish Businessman Overlords.

What if Mark David Chapman had killed Paul McCartney instead of John Lennon?

John wouldn't have grown that atrocious mullet Paul had in the 80s.

What is the best way to prepare human meat to eat?

Season with Montreal seasoning and a bit of onion, tenderize, fill frying pan with 2 parts BBQ sauce (preferably Sweet Baby Ray's) and 1 part butter, cook on low heat until it falls off your fork.

What if there was a sixth sense?

It would be a sex sense, to tell how many people a man or woman's really been with. The +3/-3 thing is a crapshoot.

A.G.B said...

I always thought that if the states went to war it would be a 1984-style stalemate. California would immediately annex everything on the Pacific coast and even some territories eastward.

Texas would take over Oklahoma and most of the gulf coast. But that would put them into direct conflict with the Southeast Confederation (yes, they banded together). Ohio and Pennsylvania would team up to take over the Midwest.

Then that combined delegation would take out New York and most of the Eastern seaboard. New England surrenders immediately and is allowed to remain and independent political entity so long as they do not have a military.

Meanwhile, Texasland and California strike up an Alliance to take down the massive Midwest-Atlantic entity. But both entities are too powerful to destroy each other and instead spend the rest of eternity fighting for small gains in the Southeast, whose loose delegation stood no chance against Texifornia's and Midwest-Atlantia's might.

And yes, I have given this quite a bit of thought.