The economy clearly isn't working. Americans are losing their jobs, the Dow Jones has been wildly inconsistent on Wall Street and the national debt is creeping towards ten trillion dollars. It is high time someone fixed that rascal of an economy and I have decided that that person should be me. How will I do this? It is simple: I will overhaul the whole economic system as we know it.
MSN reported 8 minutes ago that the Dow plunged 733 points today amid fears. That is merely their headline; readers with initiative must dig a little further to find our what these "fears" are. It turns out that the Federal Reserve published a report that provided an "anecdotal" look at the economy, showing that businesses are not faring so well.
The federal government published an "anecdotal" report which stated what every four year old in America already knows and the Dow took the second worst plunge in its history. I don't know about you but I would prefer an economic system where stocks plunge, grown men in suits weep and the entire country comes to a stand-still when a government entity muses that businesses aren't doing so well.
The problem is the currency. It just is not strong enough. It falls victim to inflation, is easily counterfeited and has no standard to back up its value. I am not suggesting that we move back to a gold-based economy either. I am suggesting that we adopt a new system of currency altogether. A currency that doesn't flounder in the face of a falling housing market, doesn't change its value and exists in abundance. My friends, I propose that the United States of America discontinue the use of the dollar and instead use the Skittle.
Yes, I said Skittle. Moving to a Skittle based economy is the solution to all of our economic problems. Think about it, the value of Skittles never inflates or deflates; they are as tasty today as they were yesterday and will be tomorrow. They have a relatively small volume so they can always be carried around as cash. This will entirely eliminate the need for credit and even debit bank accounts. And if everyone is paying the face value of Skittles for a product or service, they will not fall into debt and the credit system will not fail.
The value of each Skittle will correspond to roughly each Skittle's tastiness (because that is all that really matters in the end). So the tentative value order would look something like this:
That is just an early model of what the value system could be. Americans have a little time to work on which flavors they think deserve the most value (although if red isn't the most valuable, I am moving to Canada). And for those of you who think this "Skittle-cash-only" system won't work, an average house payment would only be about seven red Skittles. How hard can it be to fit seven Skittles into an envelope to send to a bank? Wallets could even be replaced by small "Skittle-pouches" worn around one's belt or carried in one's pocket.
The value of a Skittle is immutable. It will stay the same regardless of the country's direction or climate. A Skittle earned will truly be a Skittle earned. America's Middle Class will not have to worry about their retirement fund drying up, their Social Security disappearing or their bank failing.
Banks will learn to adapt. Instead of safes they will create temperature-neutral rooms with Skittles stored in lock boxes divided by color. ATM's will just be vending machines. Skittles cannot be counterfeited because we all know what a Skittle tastes like. Aside from dye-stained fingers, can you think of anything wrong with the Skittle economic system?
I am officially started my own Skittle shadow economy and I suggest that you do the same. The next time you receive a check from a restaurant, leave a yellow, a green and three purples as payment. Send your creditors a few reds in the mail and see how it goes over. And finally bring some greens and yellows to Wall Street and try to buy stock in Google.
We should all participate in this new economic system. And for those who don't think a Skittle-based economy doesn't make sense, just wait until the C.E.O of a major banking firm suffers a minor head cold and the Dow plunges an unprecedented "900 bakrillion" points.
To me, that doesn't make sense.