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Athens, Ohio, United States
"Art and love are the same thing. It's the process of seeing yourself in things that are not you."

Monday, November 3, 2008

Mustache Aficionado Presents: A Mid-Autumn Night's Dream

I am a traveller of space and time.

Two nights ago, I was placed into an alternate dimension by the fates as I slept. My weary eyes opened onto a frightful sight; a small cramped room, bereft of light and crowded with posters and decaying wooden cabinets. They told me it was a "dorm room." Oh pardon me, I have not told you who "they" were yet. 

"They" were an eclectic and colorful bunch or merry men and women....two women and one man to be exact. The gentleman in question wore bright green carbs of a questionable cloth and referred to himself as a "Green Power Ranger". He would have seemed powerful and fearsome, if not for the clear paper mache quality of his visage. His companion was a cheerful blond lass fashioning a most peculiar hair style. She wore denim 'round her waist and a yellow blouse with bright red suspenders keeping the whole affair together. She was "Misty", apparently a character from "Pokemon". Pokemon, I asked? What endless wonder this dimension holds!

But the best wonder was yet to come. The final woman, a beauty if there ever were one, wore a magnificent white dress and quaffed herself in the finest blond curl. She seemed to be familiar with intimate even. She introduced herself as "Marilyn" and I must admit my heart betrayed a quiver as she spoke.

My new acquaintances seemed to be busying themselves in preparation for a grand Ball. They told me they were in fact preparing themselves for an event known as "Halloween in Athens". Intrigued, I voiced my wish to accompany them to this undoubtedly magnificent event. Receiving consent of invention, I then realized that I had nothing to wear to this fine occasion. Alas the fates had already prepared me for such a situation. Adorned on my face was a foreign, gaudy mustache and across my chest was parchment that read "Mustache Aficionado" It was the costume of an ass...or at least the desperate attempt of an unoriginal teenager to procure a costume idea the day of Halloween....but probably just an ass.

Despite my woeful state of dress, my companions led me several dozen meters to a new abode. It was here on the Third Floor of one "Washington Hall" that we rendezvoused with the rest of our company. One by one, they introduced me to: a short, bespectacled woman known as "Sarah Palin", a mysterious vixen with tall hair known as "A Random Go-Go Dancer from the 60s", a charming young chap known as "Flavor Flav" and a pregnant young miss wearing peculiar clothing known as "Juno". After a few more rounds of preparation (Miss Palin's hair was a rather complicated endeavor), my companions and I set out to experience this monumental event.

After picking up an additional gent to our ranks; lad in swimwear who identified himself as "Michael Phelps" A long, yet uneventful walk followed to the top of the hill. They told me we were on our way to a red brick wonder road they described as "Court Street". Yet at the top of the hill, we were met by a startling specter. Another Sarah Palin! I am ashamed to say that I cowered in fear at the sight of the doppelganger, but my companions seemed absolutely delighted to see the daemon. Marilyn squealed with girlish delight and Sarah (our real Sarah) even handed a complicated apparatus to take their "picture". They did not linger much longer and before I knew it we were back on our journey to Court Street.

It was not difficult to know when we were getting closer. The crowds got denser; the police, more abundant; and the quiet chill of the night, louder. By the time we had rounded the corner onto the mythical street itself my eyes were nearly blinded by the writhing mass of flesh on top of the red brick path. My constitution did not waver this time and I followed my fellowship deeper into the fray. And why what a fray it was! I cannot accurately describe to you, reader, all that I saw that Mid-Autumn Night, but I will try. There were people everywhere! They were wedged onto the streets in-between towering pubs and restaurants and offices. It was a crowd of depravity and wonder! I witnessed dozens of men and women dressed in black robes with a scarlet trim as though they were a warlock. I spied even more copies of our Michael Phelps and Sarah Palin. And most telling about this dimensions absurdity: I saw many women in the uniform of police officers and fireman and other respectable offices, only altered to reveal more flesh than many officers of the law would deem necessary or seemly. 

Juno then suggested that we abandon Court Street altogether briefly and pay a visit to her brother on the hill. The event they called "Halloween in Athens" was just getting started, apparently. The others voiced their agreement and we hiked up the hill known as "West State". When we arrived, her brother greeted us and would you believe that he was also a "Power Ranger"? Only this one was red in color. Our Green companion shared a tender moment with his Red counterpart and then we stoled away inside to participate in the revelry. It is at this point that I must practice some discretion for the activities of the Party were fairly strange and unseemly to me regardless of dimension. Suffice it to say, many people began to act stranger than I had already become accustomed to. But God bless my companions; Marilyn, Flavor and Juno all wished to know if I was "enjoying myself". I could only grin my mustachioed grin and continue to be a wallflower.

The Party, satiated, then retreated back to Court Street. We picked a spot on the street and watched as the parade of macabre silhouettes danced on. Green Ranger and Misty marveled at the items in shop windows, Sarah Palin, Flavor Flav and Michael Phelps watched as the crowd walked by, I stayed close to Marilyn to ensure that no fiend would break away from the pack and sweep her away and Go-Go Dancer furiously worked her phone like a stock-broker trying to find another side-party to attend. We finally received an obscure location on the other side of town, so we set off again in search of amusement.

It was at this point that I allowed some of my harsh exterior to fall away and simply enjoyed my crew's company. We ended up at a small house in a hidden section of Athens. Go-Go Dancer became increasingly distressed as her sources were no longer answering their phones. Unsure of whether to enter the home or not, restless-ness and full bladders overcame us and we entered the foreboding edifice. Flashing lights and ghastly music met us as we walked in. We scurried upstairs and braved the line for the bathroom before we hastily left one by one. We regrouped on the street and after some further communication procured an address for another party.

It seems we had finally found the place for us. Go-Go Dancer's friends, "Old Man" and "Condom" had come through. Us weary travelers rested our feet and intermingled with other groups of revelers. Marilyn and I sat on the host's couch and curiously watched others in varying stages of intoxication, Green Ranger and Flavor Flav proved their mettle in a game I am not particularly familiar with while Misty looked on and Sarah, Michael Phelps, Go-Go Dancer and Juno all talked with other guests. I finally felt comfortable in this new time and place stolen miles and miles away from my undoubtedly sleeping mind. But as is the case with all travelers on a cold Autumn night, they must keep traveling. 

We made our way back up to Court Street and found a place to eat and quench our thirst. Our group slowly started to break off. Flavor Flav had found a new Company of merry men and woman but he was pulled back to the whole by Go-Go Dancer. I began to stray into the foliage to meet people in strange costumes. Green Ranger and Misty elected to leave at this point, dropping our numbers to six. We finally decided to make one final push into revelry: we had to brave our way to "Mill Street". The human traffic had become so dense at the corner of Court and Mill that we had to form a human chain, bend down and act as a torpedo as we pushed through the barrier of flesh.

But after we had successfully pushed through it had become clear that our various nights were coming to very different ends. Marilyn's feet had been torn and beaten by the tight golden heels she was wearing. I elected to take her home for I could go nowhere without her. Michael and Go-Go Dancer decided to follow us to their respective places of residence. Sarah Palin, Juno and Flavor Flave decided to join a different band and keep the good times rolling, but I have heard that those efforts didn't last long.

As for my mustache and I, we found a place to lie and I slowly fell back into sleep and onto another journey. 

My Mid-Autumn Night's Dream had come to an end.


Ian said...

the diction sounds strikingly familiar to Dante Alighieri's trudgery into the realm of tortured souls, replacing virgil with "60's go-go dancer"

Woozie said...

I need to hang out with you and your people. My halloween was uneventful, aside from getting hit in the mouth with a plastic lightsaber. And it wasn't even one of the cool $100 ones.

Anonymous said...

You forgot the part where you throw the ring back into the volcano... Fun stuff.

Cassie The Venomous said...

Ha-ha! Very neat!
I was home for the Halloween party, so thanks for informing me what I missed, or didn't really miss so much in my case.

Easies said...

HAHAHAHA I love this. Me and Alyssa are cracking up over it now. And I would say "became increasingly distressed" is an understatement, haha.

Melis said...

What game did Ryan and Dempe play that I watched?