My photo
Athens, Ohio, United States
"Art and love are the same thing. It's the process of seeing yourself in things that are not you."

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Mailing it In Week pt. 3 - An Offering to the COMS 103 Gods

In light of my potential failure in COMS 103. I would like make an offering to the Gods of Public Speaking so that they may guide my grade to success. Here, without revision, is my Speech of Introduction that I gave just a week ago in Public Speaking.

 Good afternoon! I would like to welcome everyone once again to the International Conference of Villains. Wasn’t that just a dynamite speech on bad parenting by Darth Vader? Let’s give him another round of applause. Anyway, I am Alec Bojalad, your host for today’s conference and today I have the wonderful honor of introducing our next guest speaker. This man….or monster has given so much to the Villain Community and we are truly in his debt.

Lord Voldemort. Even his very name strikes fear into all our hearts. Born Tom Marvolo Riddle to Tom Riddle Sr. and Merope Gaunt on New Year’s Eve 1926, Voldemort became one of our finest Villains at a young age. He tormented and terrorized his peers for eleven years at Wool’s Orphanage before being granted admission to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry in Scotland. At Hogwarts, he quickly earned distinction as one of the most intelligent and capable young warlocks in the school’s history. Upon leaving school, he shed his name Tom Riddle in favor of a more ominous moniker “Lord Voldemort.” He spent years delving into the Dark Arts of magic, changing his physical appearance to that of a serpent and just became an all around douche bag. Now he is so evil, the International Wizarding Communtiy is afraid to even utter his name.

We are all surely aware of Voldemort’s many contributions towards the cause of Villainy. But they all bear repeating. Voldemort has started not one, but two English Wizarding Wars against him. Upon the second War, he was even able to infiltrate the government to better further execute his Villainy. And perhaps no one has done more to advance the cause of Intolerance since the Pharaohs than Lord Voldemort. Voldemort is intolerant and hateful to a fault. He has dedicated his whole life and all his power to subjugating people of inferior magical lineage, whom he refers to as Mudbloods. This unyielding dedication to intolerance is an inspiration to us all. But that’s not all he has done to advance the cause of Villainy. Some of Voldemort’s accomplishments include but are not limited to: torture, thought control, necromancy, attempted genocide, patricide, excessive pride, fraud, slavery and hundreds of murders.

Today, Voldemort will speak to us about how to be a better Villain and how to prevail in the face of annoying “Heroes” who will always try to get in the way and prevent our global domination. Ladies, gentleman and Villains please join me in welcoming our next speaker: the terrifying, the powerful and the truly evil, Lord Voldemort.

Ironically, the person who I introduced looked like Harry Potter.

1 comment:

Woozie said...

Congratulations on failing your first final examination!